Barely half as many couples are getting divorced and more couples are getting married than in recent years. Some experts attribute the trend to being intentional about your mate and choosing companionship rather than romance. Perhaps Springsteen put it best in “Tougher Than the Rest,” or even Shakespeare hundreds of years earlier in Romeo and Juliet.
“The road is dark and it’s a thin, thin line, but I want you to know, I’ll walk it for you anytime”
Bruce Springsteen
Good news might seem hard to find these days, but new data issued by the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention on a substantial decline in the divorce rate over the past two decades and a recent increase in the marriage rate since the pandemic is decidedly positive for anyone interested in stable families and happy, fulfilled lives. This is especially promising when the 21st century arrived with the belief that marriage was a failing institution, including some studies suggesting that around or even 50% of all marriages end in divorce. At the time, the actual divorce rate was measured at 4 per 1,000 people, compared to a marriage rate of between 7 and 8, giving at least some credence to the belief that most marriages ended badly, making it reasonable for many to question the wisdom of getting hitched in the first place. The impact on children has been difficult to fully capture, but the phrase “broken home” became commonplace and numerous studies have found the children perform better in life when reared by a married couple. Boys, in particular, from broken homes are more likely to end up in jail than go to college, but those from married families are four times more likely to graduate college than end up in jail. Other studies have found that lifetime earnings are substantially reduced with children in married families going on to have careers earning almost twice as much per year. Brad Wilcox, a professor and director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia and author of a recent book, Get Married, believes that the formal ritual of marriage, whether cultural, religious, or simply legal, is crucially important as opposed to merely living together. “Cohabitation doesn’t measure up here because it’s just much less stable. What we see is that folks that are cohabitating don’t tend to go the distance. They’re lacking the legal recognition, the big ceremony, for some it’s the religious piece, they don’t have all the cultural benefits that marriage still today delivers in this country,” he recently told The New York Posts’ Karol Markowicz. Marriage, needless to say, has its detractors. The New York Times, for example, has published ten stories in the last year about the benefits of polygamy, including such gems as “To Fix a Broken Marriage, an Experiment With Polyamory” to “Interested in Polyamory? Check Out These Places.” The Washington Post has also taken umbrage at books that promote marriage in general like Professor Wilcox, recently reviewing a similar tome by Melissa Kearny, a University of Maryland Economist, by noting, “Melissa S. Kearney looks hard at the data but doesn’t dare to imagine new possibilities for societal structure.”
Fortunately, the average person once again appears to be ignoring many of the experts. The divorce rate has plummeted over the past two decades from 4 per 1,000 people to 2.4 per 1,000, reaching as low as 2.3 in 2021. This is an astounding decline, especially when you consider the potentially negative impacts of the pandemic, where families, typically in urban and suburban areas were forced to spend far more time together under challenging circumstances and there were tragic reports of increases in spousal and child abuse. The same period also saw a tremendous rebound in the marriage rate, hitting 6.2 per capita in 2022. Marissa Nelson, a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Washington, DC believes this trial by fire had the benefit of providing an opportunity to be more “intentional” about how people “approached important things like finances, compromise and autonomy. Many people walked out of that experience with a better sense of what they need in a life partner,” Nelson told CNN. “Being stuck in a home together during lockdown forced a lot of couples to face problems in their relationship head-on, Nelson said. That might have caused additional strife, or it could have helped them lay better groundwork for a stable future, she added. Changes over the past two decades may also have helped. Therapy has become more normalized, roles in marriages have become more flexible, and people are more used to talking openly about how they want their marriages to work.” Ian Kerner, a licensed therapist and CNN contributor, also believes people have shifted their focus on what they’re looking for in an ideal mate in a more practical direction. “In my practice over the last decade, I’ve noticed a gradual shift from the ‘romantic marriage’ to the ‘companionate marriage,’ meaning that people are increasingly choosing spouses at the outset who are more like best friends than passion-partners,” he explained via email. “At its bare minimum, the concept of commitment implies the experience of being bonded with another. At its very best, it means being bonded with someone who is a consistent safe and secure home base that will be there for you in the face of any adversities,” added Dr. Monica O’Neal, a Boston psychologist.
Bruce Springsteen is a songwriter far more known for his working class anthems than his relationship advice, but during his divorce from model Julianne Philips after a short marriage and the beginnings of his relationship with Patti Scialfa, who he has raised three children with and remains happily married to, he touched upon many of these themes across three albums. Tunnel of Love, Human Touch, and Lucky Town all in their various ways depicted relationships between flawed people that can only thrive given an acceptance of the realities facing anyone trying to make their way through this equally flawed world. Gone was the idea of dying with some woman out on the streets at night in an everlasting kiss, as he wrote in “Born to Run” when he was less than 25 years old. Instead, his speakers were living in the “Real World” (to quote a track from Human Touch) where reality trumps fantasy, and people need to find a partner they can actually live with on a daily basis, not simply sing passionate songs to, what he described as “learning to live with what you can’t rise above” in “Tunnel of Love” itself. Perhaps no single song more perfectly encapsulates this idea than “Tougher Than the Rest,” a stately, triumphant, wistful, and sad at the same time love song from Tunnel of Love built around a notion like “toughness” which is rarely applied to the romantic world. This time around, the speaker isn’t a young man full of passion and vigor, ready to give his heart away on a whim, describing himself as having “been around a time or two, and I don’t know baby, maybe you’ve been around too.” The song starts before their relationship even begins in what we can imagine is a smoky dive bar where the broken-hearted gather to share their sorrows. Indeed, we don’t even know if there will be a relationship, only that “it’s Saturday night, You’re all dressed up in blue, I’ve been watching you a while, Maybe you’ve been watching me too.” The location itself isn’t described in physical terms, allowing us to imagine the scene based on our own experience, but the stage is more than set when the speaker describes the emotional reality. “So somebody ran out, Left somebody’s heart in a mess.”
There’s little to add to that sad truth, and so the speaker follows up with his plea to a woman he might not have even met, “Well, if you’re looking for love, Honey, I’m tougher than the rest.” He proceeds to describe his experience with other women he’s known, comparing their desires to the life they’re actually living. “Some girls, they want a handsome Dan, Or some good lookin’ Joe, On their arm, some girls like a sweet talkin’ Romeo.” These are the typical romantic ideals from high poetry translated into the modern era, selecting a partner based on either their appearance or their romantic skills. The reference to Romeo specifically suggests this view is timeless, stretching back centuries to the great Shakespearean tragedy of love so passionate it brought “violent ends,” but reality for the speaker and his potential partners is quite different in the next verse. “Well, ‘round here, baby, I learned you get what you can get, So if you’re rough enough for love, Honey, I’m tougher than the rest.” Love in their world is something of a pitched battle, requiring one to be rough and tough like a prize fighter. This is a view Springsteen would espouse even more strongly on another track from the same album, “One Step Up,” where he describes a couple mired in a constant back and forth, every forward step met with a double in the wrong direction. The speaker laments “Another fight and I slam the door on Another battle in our dirty little war” and then ultimately finds a one night stand in a rundown bar, possibly the same one. “Tougher Than the Rest,” however, has more optimistic and romantic aspirations, and the speaker here believes that these qualities will give their possible relationship the strength to survive the inevitable challenges they will face together – if they’re committed to making it through together in the first place. After all, “the road is dark And it’s a thin, thin line But I want you to know, I’ll walk it for you anytime.” The speaker sees himself as not necessarily better than other lovers in the usual sense, merely having the fortitude to do what it takes and be there for his love. “Maybe your other boyfriends Couldn’t pass the test, Well, if you’re rough and ready for love, Honey, I’m tougher than the rest.” Of course, we cannot know for certain if this is truly the case, or just wishful thinking after a lifetime of heartbreak. The song ends only with the speaker asking the woman to dance and we don’t even know if she said yes. “Well, there’s another dance, All you gotta do is say yes, And if you’re rough and ready for love, Honey, I’m tougher than the rest.” The music, however, one of Springsteen’s more stately riffs, the kind of slow burn that subtly thrums away, contains an unmistakable note of optimism amid the overall somber and restrained nature of the song, offering a little hope for the future.
The new study on marriage and divorce suggests that, even in a world of endless emoting, where everything including a simple meal is fodder for social media bragging rights, people are increasingly recognizing that the reality of a relationship rarely matches the fantasy, or only does so at very special moments. Real life is about waking up every morning next to the same person, on both good days and bad days, those moments when you feel like you’d rather stay in bed than face the world. If you’re married, your spouse is there beside you however you may feel, whatever is going on with your job, your kids if you have them, or anything else. They’ll be there at the end of the day as well, offering no shortage of opportunities to vent out the frustrations all of us have on them, a temptation that is all too easy to succumb to even for the most even keeled among us. The ability to exercise restraint, know your limits, and exhibit understanding is as important in you as it is in your partner, and only when you have both can you have a true companion. This time together is also an opportunity for the small gestures that make a big difference, getting a cup of coffee or simply putting their breakfast plate in the dishwasher letting your partner know you are there and care for them deeply without having to say it out loud. However love may begin, the the most passionate among us age, beauty fades, wrinkles overcome youth, and bodies sag. Years later, Springsteen sang about counting “the wrinkles and the greys” with his lover. Rather than choosing your mate based on how they look in swimwear at 25, choose them based on whether you’ll have anything to say at 75. Believe it or not, Shakespeare actually got here hundreds of years before any of us when Friar Lawrence cautions Juliet about her love affair with Romeo, ironically referenced in “Tougher Than the Rest.” “These violent delight have violent ends And in their triumph die like fire and powder, Which, as they kiss, consume. The sweetest honey Is loathsome in his own deliciousness, And in the taste confounds the appetite. Therefore love moderately: Long love doth so. Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow.” Regardless of who said it first, successful marriages are those that commit to building and maintaining a life together above all else, even knowing all of us ultimately reach a sad end.
TOUGHER THAN THE REST
Well, it’s Saturday night
You’re all dressed up in blue
I’ve been watching you a while
Maybe you’ve been watching me too
So somebody ran out
Left somebody’s heart in a mess
Well, if you’re looking for love
Honey, I’m tougher than the rest
Some girls, they want a handsome Dan
Or some good lookin’ Joe
On their arm, some girls like a sweet talkin’ Romeo
Well, ’round here, baby
I learned you get what you can get
So if you’re rough enough for love
Honey, I’m tougher than the rest
Yeah, the road is dark
And it’s a thin, thin line
But I want you to know, I’ll walk it for you anytime
Maybe your other boyfriends
Couldn’t pass the test
Well, if you’re rough and ready for love
Honey, I’m tougher than the rest
Well, it ain’t no secret
I’ve been around a time or two
Well, I don’t know, baby
Maybe you’ve been around too
Well, there’s another dance
All you gotta do is say yes
And if you’re rough and ready for love
Honey, I’m tougher than the rest
If you’re rough enough for love
Baby, I’m tougher than the rest
Confessions of a Conservative Atheist 